This is my newest column sucka

The Grudge is so scary i almost puked.
First I will divulge that I was scared once before from a movie but that was when I was six years old and the movie was the ewoks. I balled my face off when the furry heroes were encapsulated inside the half wooden dinosaur wagon things. Yeah you probably have to see the movie for that not to sound like gibberish.
Barring the late 80’s spin-off movie I have never really been terrified by a movie. That is until this weekend when me and my friend watched the Grudge in his trailer.
This is the part where some of you will be saying that I am a wiener because this movie did not scare you. Your stead fast mettle is quite impressive to me but I just want to know if this movie didn’t scare you then what the hell did?
Maybe no movie scares you, maybe you are the type of person who doesn’t get scared by movies at all—hey that is alright you just don’t know what you are missing. To me if I paid ten dollars to see a movie and then it didn’t scare me it would almost seem like a waste of money so I might just allow myself to get scared a little more then the next viewer—that and the fact that I am a gigantic baby might have something to do with it.
I just find it funny when people tell me that the supposedly scary movies humor them and do nothing to their psyche.
I mean if I convinced myself that a movie wasn’t funny then I could probably go through a jim carey movie with out loosing control but this would also be a waste of a movie ticket. It sounds ridiculous to not let yourself laugh but it is the same to not let your self scream.
I invite you to jump on the bandwagon of fear. You might as well since there is about a bazillion scary movies in the works. Use it as a drug embrace it and revel in it and i garaunty you will enjoy the results.
Back to the movie and me being in the fetal position whimpering into my hands.
A couple of minutes into the movie I began to grow weary because I was getting goose bumps and hoping that I would not loose control of my fluids. How embarrassing would it be to be a full grown man that wet himself or worse yet expel his lunch on his friends floor.
This is the part where I admit that a tiny drop of pee did escape my vice like keegle strengthened bladder and thus I can actually say that the grudge literally scared the piss out of me. My on saving grace is that I did not full on wet myself. I mean it is still pretty emasculating to admit that the yellow liquid moistened my boxer briefs but at least no one could tell.
To quickly change the subject and sound intelligent me and a friend were discussing the subconscious attraction to fear. We both agree that people do things to purposely make them scared to get that rush. Just like telling ghost stories.
There is an interview on the DVD with a doctor who explains that people enjoy the rush of adrenaline. Since you can watch said movies in your own home there is no real sense of danger just the invented one that you allow yourself to go along with.
Oh adrenaline you perfect drug of choice. With enough of you i can run for hours or lift a car or in a more realistic case get a flighty stomach from a horror film.

So as some of you have already heard i have recently secured a part time job at an elementary school dealing with "troubled" children. Basically i hang out with the kids that flip out and we talk about their anger.

The job fell into my lap and is the best proof that talking to you ex girlfriends is a good idea. Becuase Sarah volunteers at the same school and reads one on one with kids and i told her to tell the principal that i would volunteer with the angry kids. It turns out that my volunteer position turned into a pay position and i basically got the job by default becuase i showed interest before hand.

That is about the skinny of it i will work this job and movie mart for about six weeks untill i move to vancouver where i will desperately search for work and try not to starv.

In other news i pretty much have bought a car for 50 dollars. PS this is fucking huge because i am 25 and have never owned a car before but i might not buy it because i do not know what shape it is in. It definitely runs so i will most likeley end up buying it and then taking it on a trip and have it die in the middle of nowhere.

Dale- "it definately takes some self esteem to be a sexual deviant"

movie awards
best soundtrack heavy metal with other genre teamup
1. Spawn. Heavy metal and techno just thinking baout it makes me want to quit my job do hard drugs have a baby and disown my family
2. judgement night. I hate rap but when you team it with mid-nineties indy rock look out

keep in mind that some of the subject matter herein was already coverd but in a different narrative stacne this time it is humerous.

The (new and improved) first time I ever flew first class

It is 2:18 pm on wedsnday after noon January 19. We are sitting in an Air Canada plane in Vancouver airport. Me and my fellow Omegites are dinkering with all the fancy buttons on the Executive class seating all the while ignoring redundant safety lessons that the steward on the television screen is issueing.

We are on our way to edmont for the 67th annual Canadian University Press convention. The reason why we are flying fancy pantsy is because our flight got bumped an hour before take of and this is payback for the inconvience on the airlines part. I will gladly wait an extra three hours anyday to fly in such extravagance. Real plates, real food, hot coffee and free beer.

The unfortunate problem is the flight to Vancouver from kamloops was riddled with turbulance and the choppy see saw up and down action has made me queasy. The last thing I want sloshing around in my upset stomach at 2 in the afternoon is beer—so I only had one. After that the flight was pretty much like clockwork the hour and twenty minute jaunt was over without even minor complications.

After we touched down in Edmonton we had to take a cab for the forty minute trip to our hotel. What could have been a long boring cab ride was made tolerable by our chatty cab driver. We talked of politics and Ralph Klien but when Dave Gracey asked if I could take his picture he freaked out a little. It seems that he is a 25 year refugee and if anyone sees his picture his life could be at stake.

After we were fully checked into the hotel that has no hot tub, I decided that I would drag my ass the one full block to the nearest night club called New City Liquid lounge. Which it turns out has two floors with the top being a martini bar style pub and the downstairs the gig/dance space (which was closed). I approached the fluffy mullet adorned DJ with a request:
“Do you have any Le Tigre?”
“I’m only playing 80’s metal tonight dude.”
“Dammit!” I was a little disappointed because my favorite band of the week would not be played. I thought to myself that there had to be a good song from the 80’s? didn’t there? And then I came to my senses and knew what was on order.
“Do you have hot for teacher?”

After I spilled beer all over myself pumping my fist to the drum intro of the Van Halen opus me and my bunkmate retired to the hotel. Once there we decided that we should wake up at 7:30 am the next morning so we could catch breakfast in the revolving restaurant. Since our alarm clock was a CD player I explained that it would be a good idea to crank a disc that would wake us up for sure.

After I realized the world was not ending I knew that my drunk decision to rip us from slumberland via the Dillinger Escape Plane brain cracking express was not the best idea I have ever had. So I hit snooze and guess what happened the exact same thing. I was thusly removed from alarm detail.

I managed to make it to a bunch of speakers and seminars that day where I learned and ignored a lot of information that would be beneficial to my career. Or in lamens terms I was bored as fuck.

When the sun went down I wandered back to the same club as the night before because there were some bands playing. Magneta Lane was one of these bands and they rocked so hard I was at half mast the whole concert. When I see girl bands that are this good it makes me want to be a girl when I grow up.

The next day was time for a solo adventure. I went to West Edmonton Mall, the biggest mall in North America, to meet my sister. I then convinced her to take my picture as I rode on top of the whale that is there. Of course the security guard who was only worried about my safety pointed out that this was not a good idea because I could fall off. Or ultimately kids could see how cool I was and try to imitate my bitchen style and then they could fall off. Giggling at the dumb kids clammouring over each other so that they could be as cool as me almost made me fall of the whale so I climbed down.

After all the childish calamity I figured it was time to do something mature. A couple of us went to the Edmonton Art Gallery and I nurtured my artistic side. While at the gallery I noticed that there was going to be a scratchboard work shop starting at 1 of the clock (five minutes from the time I saw the sign). I got my little black square and a couple of skewrdrivers and went to work. I could not figure out what to draw and decided I would draw a face. The lady running the workshop told me that the mugshots for the columninsts in the globe and male are scratch board pictures so I decided that my picture would become my new mugshot.

so last night i went to new city liquid lounge again for the second night in a row. The difference is last night i saw a band that rocked so hard i was half mast the whole concert. I love girl bands so much that sometimes i question my sexual oprientation. Nothing really big and exciting has happened i am taking film shots again i havent really done that in almost a year i hate how i don't know wha tthey are going to look like. But alas maybe that is half the fun the anticipation of waiting to see what you have. I have been taking shots periodically with the digital camera more of a documentative process than anything artistic. so on the left there are a few more pictures.

Last night we went to the New city Liquid lounge which i was retardedly pumped for because it was my favorite bar when i was in edmonton. Shitty thing is only the stupid top floor seated lounge was open not the booming downstairs goth dance club.

After that we retired to our room and i told graham that our CD player alarm clock would wake us up at 7.30 no prob with the additon of dillinger escape plan cranked. When your half blitzed at 2 in the morning this seems like a good idea however i must point out it was not the best idea at 7.30 in the morning. I must also point out that this did wake us up, dear lord did it wake us up. Listen to song one on this CD and you will know what i am talking about maybe if your luck i will grace you with this awakening.

After setting the alarm i called Silver about 6 times

After about 12 rings
Dale-"Silver you awake"
Silver (Obviously asleep)- "Wha... ge no die was just about to gall"

*click*

4rings
Dale- "Silv go back to sleep"

*click*

3 rings
Dale- "Silv what are you doing up you have to wake up in 6 hours"
Silver (angry)- "Dale if you do this one more time then watch out i don't know what but oh man watch out"
Dale- "Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame"

*click*

I am in edmonton at a national newspaper conference.

everything today is so flashy and new i can finally understand why people are materialistic. I don't know if it is the brand new imacs or the fact that i was bumped up to executive classs on the flight out but i am starting to rethink my whole stance on money.

Sure there is no way that the planet can keep up to our over use of natural resources and waste but it is pretty fucking hard to care when you have your feet up reading a complimentary paper as the stewardess brings you yet another free beer.

The funny thing about this is it is usually the well off people who are flying executive class. It is resonable to come to the conclusion that these people have some money kicking around if they can afford the extra couple of hundred dollars. Why then are these people getting the free shit. Shouldn't it be the hunched man in the back who has to sit beside the crying baby in couch. He sure looks like he could use a beer. I mean fuck he doesn't even get a pillow.

Maybe it wasn't an accident that i spilled my second refill of coffee in my lap. It could have been the subconscious guilt of looking back behind me past the curtain and joking to my friend, "see that curtain there. We're better than them."

Of course i don't actually believe this and besides chewing with your mouth open this is actually my number one pet peeve. Call it bitterness, call it baggage but it is all the same i was in high school i wasn't cool and now it pisses me off.

So fucking what if you were raised in a comfortable home approaching upper middle class and now you "made it on your own." Don't rub it in anyone's faces and you are definately not fucking better than anyone here. That bum on the street who is begging you for money that you can smell is going for a bottle--or mothers be warned HARD DRUGS--has all the same rights that you do. He can't afford that shiny car but the air and the water is his/hers just like yours.

Who is going to decide what is a valiant way to indulge yourself, someone who is dirty and drunk in a corner giggling at dog poo or mr. extreme cracking the earth with his gas hungry SUV.

We are all human, we all live and we all die. Don't point and stop treating people in a way that you would not appreciate.

the art links are at the bottome left

fucking double post. I would try and figure out how to get rid of it but my tolerance for dicking and the internet just hit the limit becuase i had to do my nice new art links twice. Apparently sometimes when you hit the button "save" the computer thinks it is a cute little game to make the button mean "delete all your fucking changes you hapless bastard"

this is the point where you will be graced ultimately by another installment of movie awards

I want to be jim carey becuase award
1. Me myself and Irene. Did you see that tit did you see him suck on it holy fuck
2. lemony snickets blah blah blah. Wow that was about the coolest character ever kinda like a peacock

Best brad pit death award (dedicated to lisa)
1. meet joe black. hit by a car twice back when he still sucked this was every mans delight who got roped into seeing this shitty movie
2. Legends of the fall. I only heard it described by lisa but there is apparently a bear head bite involved and this is still from when brad pit sucked and did shitty girly movies.

why brad pit no longer sucks award
1. He was in fight club and snatch and stopped making shitty girl movies
2. He broke up with jennifer anniston and started fucking angelina jolie. Holy fuck that almost makes me forget about the jim carey tit thing

as shitty winter takes it's cold hard grasp on me i feel as if i am getting emotional. Too much darkness it may seem. I saw this talk show with ann rice on it once and she had a t' shirt with an x-ray of her brain she said she needed it because every winter she felt as if she was going crazy. Maybe i need a t-shirt maybe i should have nothing to do with girls. I just feel so detached from everything right now which is fucking awesome considering this is the i should be tying up loose ends and makeing sure everything is ok for me to move.

as shitty winter takes it's cold hard grasp on me i feel as if i am getting emotional. Too much darkness it may seem. I saw this talk show with ann rice on it once and she had a t' shirt with an x-ray of her brain she said she needed it because every winter she felt as if she was going crazy. Maybe i need a t-shirt maybe i should have nothing to do with girls. I just feel so detached from everything right now which is fucking awesome considering this is the i should be tying up loose ends and makeing sure everything is ok for me to move.

so sorry that i did not put my last column up i know some of you must have been waiting with baited breath so that my words could massage your eyes and make your clothes a little tighter.

here is last weeks

So if you are reading this then you are back in school after the shortest month-long break ever--that couldn’t have been a full month, could it?

Running into all the people you met in first semester that are fully rejuvenated (maybe even a little thicker) from the seasonal treats and laziness, the same topic for small talk comes up.

“Hey Dale, how was your Christmas?”
Invariably, I do not know how to answer this question without it sounding like some tragedy. “I didn’t have one this year.”
“Oh that’s too bad, what happened?”
The only answer I really have is that I chose to not have one. I volunteered to work on Christmas Day and instead of celebrating.

It seems that Christmas is a bastion of happiness for the greater part of the population of North America. Everyone must put in their best effort to find their family and surround themselves with as many people as they can. Of course, I am not going to try and tell you that surrounding yourself with welcome faces is a bad idea, but why wait until Christmas? I guess the month sans school is a spur in that regard.

The thing about Christmas is that it hinges on two things: materialism and Christianity, both of which I am sure have many positive and beneficial aspects for those involved, but alas hold nothing for me personally.

I am sure there are some of you out there that are of a religion that does not celebrate Jesus Christ as the savior. Whether you are a Jehovah’s Witness, Buddhist or just sick of the red, white and green carpet that covers our lives for a month, you understand me when I ask is it all necessary? The best present I could have given anyone this year was to not stress myself out over it.

No shopping, no travelling home but mostly no stress--well actually, very little stress... I still had to decide which movies I would watch. I even periodically had to travel outside into the cold to go to work or visit friends.

Throughout this whole explanation I do not want to come off as some anti-societal-and-material naive person. I actually quite thoroughly enjoy material things because they make many aspects of life easier, but I try to keep it in moderation.

This brings me to my next point about Christmas. All the things about it on their own are good things. Who doesn’t like chocolate and shiny trinkets? The bad only comes in because it is at this time that we do not stop ourselves with the regular limitations that are usually in place. I know that in the past there have been a few Christmases when I spent too much money and ate too much food and regretted my decisions. It is just accepted that this is the time to splurge, the time to let it all hang out and consume more then any other time of the year.

A valid defence of the season is that everyone acts nicer to the people around them. Whether it is letting them into the line at the super market or not road-raging on them, it seems as if everyone’s patience grows just a tiny bit longer.
Yes, this is a good thing. The only thing is why are we nicer to people at Christmas? Should we not just have more respect for the others around us all year long?

so continuing in the oddity department that involves websites check this out http://www.meanderingblemish.blogpsot.com yes it does look like my site address but spot is spelled wrong. A bible site what are the odds what are the odds

in case you have way too much freetime on your hands as i currently do i have located three links that should amuse you for about ten minutes


http://drops-of-jupiter.net/jennifer this one is actually only for jennifers if your name is jennifer then you can join this clique

www.origami.as feel bad that you ever bent a piece of paper. This is probably the most impressive origami i have ever witnessed but then again the only time i really see oragmi is when that on kid decides it would be cool to learn how to make a swan

http://www.special-lady.com/matchmaking.html RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDES RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDES this site is a goldmine if you are a male and like me do not have particular luck with the ladies. Or you could just use this site as a threat if you are curently in a rocky relationship. Ie forget you i can just get retardly hot Irina Demenkova to marry me and she has an accent which makes her better then you.

Oh wanda you glorious voice of reason.

Dale- "So wanda are you afraid that you will not be able to get a job as good as me when you graduate. You know cause of the penis"

Wanda- "Oh please that whole glass ceiling shit is soo 1994. The fact of the matter is that neither you or i will have a good job because we started out poor and are subconsciously mentally trained to not have enough confidence to get a really good job. That and the fact that we have both lived in poverty and will always have a feeling of guilt if we are ever well off because in our society there is not enough to go around and the more we take the more people we are causeing to live in the way we have grown to despise"

Dale- "Goddamnit why the fuck did i have to be born in the one time were being a white male lost all of it's automatic betterment? What the fuck is the good of having a penis?

Wanda- "you can assfuck cheap prostitutes while you are high on coke that conflicts with you steroids and zoloft and cause you to be engulfed with a murderous rage and then beat the shit out of some unsuspecting victim"

Dale- "Can i borrow 30 bucks?"

You can tell when i am single because the posts of ridiculous humor show up more readily. Like this excerpt from a messenger communique (french Points)

"Man i wish i could get secret sex. It would be all cool like espianoge or however the fuck you spell it. The only problem is that i can't fucking hold my tongue. I even brag to my mom."

Manager at work (Identities protected for job security)- "Dale did you notice anything different about [coworker] today"

Dale- "Ahhh you died your hair.... No wait you got braces"

[coworker]- "yeah i got them put on today"

Dale- "wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no you can't be popular"

[coworker]- "yeah right i already am popular"

Dale- "not for long train tracks"

After feeling bad about ribbing my [coworker] because she is in highschool and i remember how many night i spent with the only company being my tear soaked pillow i decided to explain myself. I explained that it is actually a good thing that she get braces because no one likes anyone with crooked teeth and that when she gets to be my age she will understand. But most importantly the shallow people will like her.

Here is a good question.

This summer i dated heather #2 she had a mustache that was long, black and thick, it tickled me when we kissed but the wierd thing is i liked it. Does this mean i am a homo sexual? Or was it just the edipus syndrom because it reminded me of my mom?

Seriously though i was thinking about her mustache and how it never bothered me. Sure i questioned why she wasn't self conscious about it--I mean it was thick and black i--don't girls usually shit there pants about stuff like that? Or did she just not know? How could she just not know? Was she proud of it?

Sleepless in Kamloops.

This post is for all those fuckers who keep asking what happened between me and Sarah.

It is funny how soon we turn our back on ourselves. The main thing I keep thinking about when I think of the break up between me and the molnar is how quickly and shamelessly I self censored myself. She told me I was immature so I tried not to act like that. But as many of you guessed that really never works out and actually makes it worse because I just start to act bitterly immature.

In hindsight I am glad that we broke up because emotionally we are to different. She prefers to take the cold-middle-class-literate-educated outlook on life whereas for me I tend to be a little less gentrified in my demeanor. I tend to be over dramatic at times and probably do not hold my tongue when it would be the best course of action.

From the on set of the relationship I was warned by her that she does not last to well in relationships and ends them some what sporadically. The reason why I believe she does this is because she takes her attractiveness and relationships for granted. She just believes that there will be another one so no special effort should be put in to save something that is a little tarnished. This is only a problem because I am the opposite and am afraid that there will be no-one after so we have to iron things out and make it work no matter what. I have a problem with admitting that a relationship was flawed that is the part that is a struggle for me to let go of not the actual person.

The high turnover rate should have been a warning sign to me but being a fixer I thought that the ultimate would be to cure her of this interesting phenomenon, but I didn't. What would be better than to be the boy that tamed the beast and got the girl to put her heart into anything. At the very least I finally understand why all those girls date the ass holes.

The main problem with the whole situation was that throughout it I felt I had something to prove. This is probably a sign of my personal baggage. Throughout my life I have been told by people that what I was doing or how it was being done was not good enough so now when this happens I feel that I have to rub the individuals face in my own personal greatness. Yeah this is retarded and petty and by no means the solution to any problem but I am not fully aware when it happens.

I don't want this to sound like I am bitter over the whole situation because there is no-one really to blame for what happened it just did. The relationship was good for a while--fucking better have been everyone keeps saying shit like "awww you two seemed so in love"

For those keeping score it was a mutual break up we could have left it at a weird floating stage but we both agreed that this isn't any way to have a relationship.

Me and the molnar are no more. I am regrettably once again single.

The fact that being single is so annoying is probably why i constantly find myself in this spot. I could do that thing where I say I am waiting for someone special because i am too lazy to care about the women.

The fact that I have churned through 6 women since summer frightens the fuck out of me. Maybe i could take a break to figure myself out and contemplate my navel. The only problem is i already did that and i already know mostly who i am and what i like and want out of life now i just have to wait around and aparantly date too many women.

meghan - "I think i am going to go wander around the school and try to decide what to do about this guy"

Dale - "Well i would help you if i didn't have shit to figure out on my own"

meghan - "that and we are both equally inept at relationships"

meghan - "do you have any friends i havent slept with yet to distract me"

So this year i figured i wouldn't even stress about the new year and i would just chill at home with sarah. After a while lorne and troy showed up. We ended up playing simpsons trivia which lorne dominated.

Troy- "what are the only trees that can defend themselves"
Lorne- "uhhhhh" *thinking*
Troy- "you'll never get this one it is impossible"
Lorne- "Mexican fighting trees"
Troy- *jumping out of chair* "how the fuck could you possibly know that"

After we ended that game we started to play asshole which i dominated because of my massive intellect. But then sarah started to fall asleep so at about 12:45 we went to bad. Where we did some adult sinning. Other then that nothing is new. My life seems to have become an unending downward spiral. Except for the bitching pictures i keep taking i should do something like this for real.