Every once in a while a great comedic Idea will come to me that would be perfect for stand up. Since I don't really want to go through the trials and tribulations to become a stand up comic I try to write them down and then just make you picture me delivering the pure comedy gold to you in that format. To accommodate this I use a lot of line breaks which you can interpret as a short pause.
Half a beat perhaps.
If you didn't take any live theater classes that basically means just long enough to take a breath.
I should also point out that these are rough ideas I am just getting out into the world and if they were indeed used in stand up comedy they would get a lot more polish than they currently have. That said read this and laugh.
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I am your new best friend because I've finally solved the worst problem to plague modern society.
I have finally solved the "using the Nword and white people dilemma". I'm going to tell you that solution for which you will herald me the bringer of peace and perhaps--well i don't want to put ideas in your head but I am partial to trophies and cash. First, However, Lets take a step back and explore why I am so great for bringing this solution to you.
I'll admit it: us white people are angry at the fact that it's not right for us to say the N word. Really though it's just misplaced jealousy. It's like Black people get two fucks.
Look how versatile fuck is, it can literally have hundreds of different meanings depending on context and spoken tone. You can be a fucker. You can give a fuck... or not. Things can be fucked, sometimes things get proper fucked but you get the fucking point.
Well the same goes for the N word. I've heard it used many different ways and I admire how people can use it as praise or a powerful insult. We're missing out on this and sadly that's how it has to stay.
Nothing will make it right for us white people to say it. It's just wrong. There's too much history attached and a bunch of assholes ruined it for the white folks by being downright fucking evil.
Now I would like to believe that most of us intelligent people out there have grown out of racism. really it's just a societal hindrance and we no longer need the limitations of racism because we have the information that comes along with a global village. This information can help us grow and learn from each other. Any one with even dial-up knows there people for us to love of all colors and beliefs and there are plenty of idiots right across the board to go around.
Still, I'm not going to say the N word anytime soon. The simple reason is Michael Clark Duncan. Yes the actor you can learn all about him on his IMDB page (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0003817/).
I say Michael Clark Duncan because the man has gone through a tough life to achieve great fame. He went from digging ditches to star beside Bruce Willis in four major motion pictures and I would never want to make him sad.
I'm almost positive that if he ever heard pasty white frumpy me say the N word it would break his heart and that's why i don't.
I mean after that it would be pretty much impossible for me to convince him to take his shirt off and let me watch him smash things with a sledge hammer slash rocket launcher.
This is why my solution is so great. With my white person solution for the N word MCD never has to be sad again. Well about that anyway. Who knows how he would feel about my semi-erotic fantasies of him causing wide spread destruction with various implements and always sans shirt.
But you don't want to hear any more about that, well if you do find me later I can show you my notes. The rest of you however I am sure want me to get on with my brilliant news of the cure for racial akwardness.
AND THE SOLUTION IS...
Elvis.
That's right, fucking Elvis.
I suggest people call each other elvis. It covers the range and pliability we need and well it's cool.
The sheer range the man had is almost mind boggling. From jeans with a T-shirt straight down the line to the opposite end of the spectrum to leisure suit, Elvis really did run the gamut. He was poor, rich, skinny, fat, smooth, creepy, sexy, loud, intimate, deep, oafish, strong all of this in one short life time. I mean who doesn't want to be called that.
I know I do. In fact can you all just start calling me that now. No i fucking mean it someone call my mom. Tell her i just invented a new adjective-verb-noun.
Tell my mom I broke the english language and we're elvising it up. Tell her there's a party and we're all getting elvised untill we elvis elvis each elvis.
No I'm not elvis right now... why do you have some?
This would be the perfect way for us to express ourselves with a word with a little range and depth of meaning. Also we're not going to offend anyone under 50 who doesn't have a bee-hive haircut.
But if you are under 50 and have a bee-hive haircut come see me. I'll be your elvis.
You're welcome ya elvises.
