An open letter to fans of batman begins

Hi, your movie sucks fuck you.

I have no idea why anyone would ever get so mad at me for not liking one shitty movie but every time I say I don't like this broke bat snooze fest everyone shits their mind and gives me some bullshit story about how it is the character of batman that is deep and that's why this movie was like this.

This movie was boring, boring as shit. There were about 5 minutes of good stuff which all involved scarecrow and about 2 hours of boring ass back story that could have been summed up in 3 seconds. "Bruce Wayne felt disenfranchised about life so he went on a journey and fought Mongolians for money in the mud out of boredom. Then Henri Ducard (aka Rashe-shit-gule or some boring dumb mustache grey hair shit name like that) comes to him and tells him about some monk temple on a mountain that he needs a flower to get into. He gets the flower and for the next eon he trains and becomes batman." This would have been an ample amount of information for me instead of seeing that shitty training sequence. Hey were those knifey things on his arms the ones he uses later? Good move on to the interesting action like the batman gizmos and gotham city and super villains not old men and snowy mountains.

You might try to tell me that this movie was about character development. Well that's a good idea you know to explain this character to all of us. We are all so un informed about the origin and development of batman we just thought that it was like Adam and eve and that he was just created like that. Now that I know that he had to train in some sort of dojo to learn how to fight I feel more at ease. Here's an idea why don't you make a sequel about batman working out for two hours I don't think I quite know where he got all those muscles. Make it in a factory. With a puddle in the middle. One with those high windows that are made up of tiny squares with about 23% broken. The tin should be rusty too and make sure it is sunrise to show he does it early in the morning. Yeah that way I can truly understand the development of batmans triceps and how he had to fight with his inner demons and develop his character to become the super hero he is today. Oh wait he has no powers thus he isn't a super hero just a hero you better take time to explain that as well. Come to think of it make that the next movie after the next one. Make sure he bleeds and has a broken heart so that we get that after all he is really human... You know cause looking like a person wasn't a big enough clue.

One of my favorite parts of all super hero movies is the villains, you know the thing that makes or breaks these things. Apparently I am all alone here because the 5 minutes of scarecrow and his hallucination drug were not enough for me. His brief stint on his horse with flaming nostrils was fucking awesome. Cracking ice in the mountains is lame.

I remember watching the Adventures of Batman cartoon series, which was mega awesome, and I remember impatiently waiting for villain to make an appearance. Joker was cool, Mr. Freeze was heart wrenching, clay face was rad cause he was like sandman and the riddler ruled all. Every time Henri Ducard was on the show I would loose it cause he was so fucking ridiculously lame it wasted a half hour out of my teenage life. Instead of fighting with explosions and fast action it was always that lame talk down fight. You know where instead of being awesome with karate and shit they would hit each other once and say shit like "it doesn't have to be like this (bad guy) we can get you help."
"What in prison?" the bad guy would reply tragically.
"Come on you can turn your life around" Grunt as hero blocks high blow.
"People like me cannot live in a cage" Backs off takes breath. Angry charge "I WOULD RATHER DIE FREE THAN LIVE IN A CAGE." As the bad guy charges the good guy steps out of the way and immobilizes him and then he goes to jail.

There are many reasons why I hate batman begins and I do not want to discuss them with you at all. I do not want to hear how you think Christain Bale is a Good actor because he is shitty and wooden with no facial features. He has never made a movie (aside from newsies) that does not fit neatly in his limited range of being stoic and sullen. He will never learn more than four facial expressions which are neutral, sad, sadder and that fake smile thing he does. Oh but in American psycho he had range you might say. Yeah if by ranger you mean that one part where he hits the guy with the axe with a smile on his face. That wasn't a smile that was the soul less christain bale stretching his face and showing his teeth.

The best batmans in descending order are Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, Tie Adam West and George Clooney and finally at the bottom of the list is pinochio the saddest wooden boy around Christain Bale. Michael Keaton was the best batman because his Bruce Wayne and his Batman had the biggest variance of all actors. His Bruce wayne is smart and wise and likeable just like a multi-millionaire business owner would have to be to keep people interested in his business. Val Kilmer is the next in the list for the same reasons to a lesser degree. The rest of the actors are all shit and could not truly get into the role (Klooney as batman and Bale as Wayne). Adam West well that guy is just crazy haven't you watched family guy come on.

Some of you may ask why I am writing this months after the movie was re-leased sighting that it is not timely anymore. I would agree with you and I would have written it right away but I half did not remember to blog it and half wanted to forget the movie. I got in a huge fight with my brother about this movie today and it reminded me about it so I wrote it down.