The Dudesons Movie
Destroy entertainment

It is becoming more and more apparent that everything good America to offer has already been done. It always turns out that whatever is popular on TV was being done somewhere else first. First we learned survivor and big brother were being done ten years ago over seas and now with a recent release of the Dudesons it turns out reality extreme stunt comedy is no exception. The Dudesons have been up to their shenanigans way over in Finland since before jackass.

Usually when something comes first the newer version are bigger and more extravagant, it is less evolved simply because it came first. That is not the case with this gem. Even though Jackass and CKY started after the Dudesons they are no more advanced let alone evolved. Where CKY and Jackass are a bunch of bored middleclass kids with a camera who think it is funny to hit each other the Dudesons go one further by being hicks from a ranch who like to light each other on fire. The stunts are bigger, badder and I assure you, you will see bones break.

Theres just something inherently hilarious about people doing stupid shit and hurting themselves. I’m pretty sure that is almost the most popular thing people search the internet for, right behind porn and aliens. Holy feck can the Dudesons hurt themselves.

Jarppi, who is the chubby one who lets people play darts on his stomach, lost a thumb while wrestling a wild arctic bear. His official motto about the whole thing is “who needs a thumb anyway?”

Jukka the most hyperactive and frenzied performer impresses the ladies by running around bare assed. He has broken his spine twice and during one of these injuries he couldn’t feel his balls for a week. Worse than that though the other dudesons gave this guy a rude awakening with a baseball bat to the nuts. On another occasion he stuck his nuts in a mousetrap. Yes he stuck his nuts in a mousetrap.

Jarno’s motto is pain is “pain is momentary, video is eternal.” Since Jarno never really gets pissed off at anything the other guys went on a mission to intentionally get under his skin. They finally did this by lighting him on fire while he was asleep. He woke up screaming and chased them with a chainsaw.

HP is a snowboarder and has broken so many bones that he can’t even get insurance with any company in finland. He is the one who breaks his leg on the dvd after a failed motorbike jump in into the lake.

This DVD is a hoot and I would recommend that anyone who has any interest at all in this sort of thing should watch it. There are only two bad parts about this movie one is you have to listen to that retard Steve-o talk (he makes a guest appearance). The second bad thing is the whole movie feels like an introduction to the boys as if it is just trying to sell you into watching the series. Plus they never show the bear wrestling stunt that Jarpi lost his thumb doing. If you do watch this movie be sure to check out the 25 minutes of bonus footage there are some hidden jems in there as well.

Dragon force will make you stop hating power metal. Experience the metal stylings of DragonForce is more than just listening to shitty old power metal as a joke. This isn’t the case where people think it is fun to dabble in a little trash for good humour. It isn’t ironic to listen to DragonForce, it’s just awesome.

I decided I would piss off the chuckleheads who run the nerve and call the jetlagged Herman Li long distance and chew the shit for a good half an hour as he rests in England for 5 or so days. DragonForce is coming to Vancouver September 12th one on of only 3 Canadian stops during their third world tour. But before the tour kicks off on September 8th in Los Angeles The band is enjoying their downtime in the UK. Horse the band will be playing with DragonForce on the tour. “I thought they were crazy and in a way stupid which is kinda cool. So that is why we picked them to be on the tour.” Li explains his thoughts on Horse The Band.

Li is the new guitar god. He can play guitar so fast and wicked it will make your anus pucker it is no wonder his nick name is “shred”. In 2004 he beat out shadows fall and unearth to win the Dimebag Darrel best guitarist prize at the Metal Hammer awards. “It was cool to win it. I didn’t expect to win it. I was just turning up for party reasons.” He further went on to add “It was definitely cool because so many people listen to Pantera and Dimebag. I don’t even need to say what kind of influence as a guitar player he’s been. When I started playing guitar I listened to Pantera as well.” Li also tells that he doesn‘t really put to much merrit into the whole process of going to award ceremonies. “I don’t really look at the award thing as a lot of people do. I went to the Kerrang awards yester day [sept 24th] in England and there was so many people bits and twisted for not winning and I was just standing there laughing. Does it really matter? We didn’t win either, we were nominated for best live band and we lost to muse and I didn’t really care.”

When someone can brutalize your eardrums like Li can with his guitar you figure he might be outshining his fellow band mates. The second guitarist in the band, Sam Totman, is actually just as badass a solo-er as Herman and the two actually form their signiture sound by soloing at the same time.

Li and Totman met each other while they played in the band Demoniac which was a black metal band that no-one took to seriously. Totman started the band with his friends while he was in New Zealand for a few kicks. Li was actually originally hired on to assist totman on stage because he would be too drunk to play. After Demoniac released fire and the wind Li and Totman left for dragon force. Interestingly enough Behemoth the singer from demoniac lent his black metal voice to DragonForce and recoded some backing vocals on their new disc Inhuman Rampage.

Herman Li is the founding member of DragonForce and decided to start the band because he was not having much success in the underground scene joining other bands. He choose band members and at the beginning he was just looking to sign up people he thought were cool and that could play at the same level as him. On their last tour the band had a change in their lineup.

Adrian Lambert left the band after Sonic Firestorm was released citing his excuse as “to spend more time with his family.” I asked Herman Li about what happened and where the two stood on him leaving to which he simply replied “we are both happy we’re not together” after a short silence he added “he doesn’t write any songs or do anything in the band at that level so he doesn’t really make any difference to the bands sound or the decisions we make.”

Fred Leclercq is the replacement bassist. He joined at the end of the sonic firestorm tour. According to Li the reason he was selected to help finish the tour was that he could play lots of instruments and was very professional is his dealings. He performed so well he was asked to join the band on a permanent basis.

You can see a number of DragonForce videos on the internet but you can also find some videos of Li explaining some of the sounds that are used in the DragonForce songs. He also shows how to play them. Some of the sounds have video game names IE pacman so I asked him if they ever try to copy certain video game noises “We never really copied the sounds I was just making the noises on the guitar when we were recording the last album. We gotta do something different here we have to do something interesting. When we come up with the noises it just kinda clicks with a name. Sam and I used to be game geeks back in the old days and we would say that noise sounds like the ghost from ghouls and ghosts. That is how we name the sounds.” Look forward to more of these little how to sessions in the future Li plans on making some instructional material after numerous requests from magazines to try and teach his craft.

“When we make an album we never listen to anyone. We don’t have records labels telling us we have to do that. IF they do we just say whatever and put the phone down. We just deliver this album and say do something with it you know we are not going to start changing it. Everything becomes what you hear on the radio again.”

Rogue Trooper
Developer: Rebellion
Publisher: Eidos Interactive

Pulled from the pages of the 2000AD comic books the futuristic shooter by Rebellion is right on target. With Sniper Elite and now Rogue Trooper Rebellion is starting to give bungie a run for their money as the undisputed king of FPS.

It seems what rebellion is supplying in there games are little things you never knew you wanted untill they are there. With rogue trooper the stealth element is just that. You can hide behind boxes and fire randomly over the top or hop out and fire in controlled bursts, then jump back behind the box. Games have had the strafe with your back against a wall option in the past but it has never been this fluid and easy to pull off.

The basic setting for this game is there are two warring sides battling for Nu Earth. In the future it is a poison filled wasteland that only genetically created soldiers can handle. You are one of those soldiers and your platoon of Southies set out to battle the Norts (north). Pretty much all of the genetic soldiers are slaughtered and you set out for revenge.

Along the way as your friends die you take their bio chips and attach them to your weapon and items. This is another one of those things that rebellion gives you that you never knew you needed. The most notable is Baggar the bio chip you attach to your back pack. You give him scrap metal and he fashions you ammo and grenades. When you find blueprints he can also make you new weapons or upgrade the ones you already have.

If you like shooters at all make sure you check this shit out.

Dead Rising
Developer: Capcom Production Studio 1
Publisher: Capcom USA

Here it is the real reason to buy an X-Box 360. Up until now it had just been car games, shooters and some RPGs that just show you how good the new system is but over all leave you unaffected. Now with the release of Dead Rising you will be affected. This game is the scenario everyone has been dreaming about and wetting their pants too.

Your in a Mall filled with Zombies and you grab shit from the stores to re-kill them. The range of weaponry is huge you can stick with the good old katana and cut the undead in half or you can get really artistic and just grab a lawnmower literally mow them down. My favourite part though would have to be running over about a thousand zombies with a cub van in the maintenance tunnels underneath the mall.

You have 72 hours to figure out what the hell is going on. The time line in this game is sort of win loose. You are never truly free to fuck around because there is always someplace you have to be by a certain time so the game feels hurried. The better half of this is you never get the Grand Theft Auto disease, which is where you just run around a free roaming environment killing things without working on the story and wasting your precious youth. .

The story is actually quite intricate. Without ruining too much it is the US government-coupled-with-the-averages-joe’s-greedy-consumer-habits’ fault and I think this game hints that we should become vegetarians. As the story progresses you are updated over a headset from some friends you made in the security room of survivors they have spotted throughout the mall. You have the option of saving said survivors for some serious exp points. Although it is depressing to watch them get eaten alive by zombies as you fail against near impossible odds it is still worth it to at least find them as you get points when you meet them and deliver them. With you experience your stats increase but you also unlock new skills for fighting the hordes of the undead. Highlights are the disembowel and the neck rip.

Not only is there the zombies you have to worry about but you have to option of taking down some serious human villains as well. There is a chainsaw juggling clown, some rednecks with rifles, a pyromaniac and even a fucking cult in the movie theatre. The cult is where the money is because even though they are tough each member you kill you get big points for and who hasn’t always dreamt about killing an entire cult. Think of how much easier life would be if we all took it upon ourselves to destroy a cult each. Xenu would shit his pants.

My roomate and I wrote a review on warped tour this year.

Derek: Ahhhhh, Warped Tour. My favorite marketing-infused 'punk rock summer camp' and jailbait convention. It's a little like Christmas in July, particularly if your Christmas involves ridiculously long food lines, boatloads of overpriced merchandise, scads of scantily-clad high school girls, and advertising shoved down your throat at every turn (which allows ample opportunity for free shit, luckily). I actually make it sound a lot worse than it is. At least I had the pleasure of attending it at UBC's Thunderbird Stadium, which is infinitely preferable to the shitheap that is Race City Speedway in Calgary where I had attended my previous Warped Tours prior to moving to Vancouver. And let's not forget the music. I gotta admit, even though I find myself recognizing fewer and fewer bands on the bill every year, there were still plenty of quality acts this time around.

Dale: I love warped tour and unlike some of you a-holes out there I am not going to let a few teen screams get inbetween me and my rock. For all of you who bitch about how young the fans are at warped tour and let that deter you from actually going it was actually a lot older this year. Besides how could underdressed underage girls ever be bad thing if I'm not mistaken that is pretty much rock and roll fuel right there. So why does everybody hate the young girls that dress like sluts? I think it is two reasons For the guys it is simply we can't fuck them because it is creepy and wrong. The women hate these young girls at warped tour because they have those hard teenage breasts that make us all feel old.

Protest the Hero
Derek: This was the first band I caught after waiting nearly an hour for the militant grandmother at the press tent to give us our passes, and my annoyance evaporated immediately after witnessing the Whitby, ON fivesomes furious stage show. Protest the Hero blew me away when they released Kezia earlier this year, and the live show didn't disappoint as they tore through five of the album's tracks, including both singles, 'Blindfolds Aside' and 'Heretics and Killers'. The juvenile stage banter only reinforced how fucking amazing these guys are technically, given the fact the median age in the band is 19. For fans of post-hardcore with insane finger tapping solos a la Van Halen, you can absolutely not miss these guys any time they come through town. One of the better acts of the day.

Helmet
Dale: Everyonce in a while we get a chance to see a band from our past who as far as we were concerned had completely disappeared. It is always a sort of win/lose situation when we see one of these "nostalgic" bands on one hand you can re-live your youth and rediscover a great band you had forgotten about but you can also have un wanted memories triggered by the music. I Listened to Helmet's Betty extensively in grade 10 hearing Wilma's Rainbow reminded me of how idealistic and uncaring about my immideate surroundings I once was but it also reminded me of the dick heads I smoked pot with.

Derek: I wish I'd paid more attention to these guys in the 1990s, when they mattered, because their set absolutely blew me away. Instead, I was too busy listening to shit like Tears for Fears and not getting laid.

Moneen
Derek: Far and away the greatest show of the day, and, judging by the size of the crowd packed in front of the Vagrant Records stage, these guys are finally starting to get their due. Enigmatic frontman Kenny Bridges bounded around the stage like a meth-addled child, even finding time to do a dive off the amps during the peak of their set, a crowd-sing-along rendition of 'The Passing Of America', in a moment that sent chills down my spine. Also, drummer Peter Krpan has the best 'rocking out' face I have ever seen.

The Bled
Derek: Despite wanting to see these guys for fucking ever, I was somewhat disappointed by their lacklustre performance. Maybe it was the wine that vocalist James Munoz slammed before their set (who the fuck drinks wine at a punk show? Jesus?), but the band seemed to be sleepily going through the motions with a lack of energy that contrasted with their ferocious musical assault. Decent, but certainly not what I'd expected.

Dale: I too was disappointed they seemed like they needed a good nap. But it might have been that the singer was wearing a fucking denim tuxedo at 6pm in the blazing sun. Whatever the reason this guys became yet another recording bands.

The Salads
Derek: The pride of Toronto put on a thoroughly entertaining high-energy show, despite only having 50 or so people watching as they were tucked in a back corner of the venue on the 'Ernie Ball Very-Difficult-To-Locate' stage. The tiny crowd ate it up as the band played energetic party anthem (Get Loose) after energetic party anthem (The Roth Kung Fu) after energetic party anthem (Today Is Your Lucky Day). Definitely a band that deserves more exposure and one I would recommend checking out if/when they make it back west.

Dale: I don't know thinking about going back to NU PUNK with its ska beats and ridiculous happy singer makes me feel uneasy.

Every Time I Die
Derek: I knew these guys were ready to bring the rock the second I saw burly guitarst Andy Williams sporting a bitchin' American flag vest. The band shredded through a mix of songs from 2003's Hot Damn! and 2005's Gutter Phenomenon, including mind-blowing renditions of 'Kill The Music' and the southern-rock-inspired 'The New Black', and found time to refer to the lineup of tour mates Valient Thorr as 'a bunch of grizzly bears'. I won't be surprised at all if we see these guys on the main stage next year.

Dale: By far the best band I saw this year. Holy shit these guys were into it. When the band is into it you get into it in a hurry. Being a photographer you only get to take pictures of a band like this about twice a year. They just ran around and posed and were generally awesome. Usually you can get one or two good pictures at a show but there are far too many to print of this band. As an added bonus I stumbled upon the singer from Valient Thorr in the crowd and took a picture with him. I like bears.

Joan Jett
Derek: She looked like a shrivelled elven grandmother and played a bunch of songs I didn't know because I'm not that into shrivelled elven grandmothers. The one song she played that I DID know, I fucking hate, because it's been co-opted by drunken bar skanks and chucklehead frat boys as a party anthem. Her appearance is notable only because she managed to play without shattering one of her fragile old-lady hips.

Dale: I finally know who the fuck wrote all those shitty songs people ten years older than us drink to.

NOFX
Dale: For an instant party just take NOFX and add volume. There is no one who can deny that these guys will be fucking awesome when they pick up their instruments. My favourite part of the show was when Fat Mike called all muslims, jews and christains fucking idiots and said that anyone who gets their answers from a 2000 year old book is bat shit crazy. Anyone who takes pot shots at organized religion can be my cock brother any day of the week. The icing was Underoath had to play right after NOFX (they're fervently christian).

Derek: I don't think these guys are capable of NOT putting on a rad show. For one, they have so many awesome songs to pull from that it's nothing at all for them to pound out a half-hour set. This time around they treated us to a solid play list, including 'The Brews', 'Dinosaurs Will Die', 'What's The Matter With Parents Today', 'She's Nubs', 'Murder The Government', 'Bob', and the closest thing NOFX has ever had to a hit, 'Franco Un-American'. I would have been happier if they decided to play 'The Decline' in its entirety and fill the other 12 minutes with dick and fart jokes, but apparently Fat Mike's daughter was in attendance, so, in what was obviously a struggle for NOFX, they had to keep the banter clean. It didn't matter at all, because they're funny as fuck, and prove time and time again how they have earned their place in the annals of punk.

AFI
Dale: Besides NOFX these guys were the biggest band here this year. You could tell from the teeming sea of youth that mashed in front of the stage to watch them. From my vantage point at the front (for photography) I can tell you two things Davey Havok is the white RuPaul and shit went down. I don't know exactly what happened but I looked over and a security guard was holding his stomache and screaming in pain. Seeing a security guard taken out is always disheartening. You see thousands of crying swooning little girls but when you see one of those dudes in a blue shirt go down you get a scared cause if something could take down that dude with a handlebar mustache it could sure as fuck take me down. The scene was so crazy right in front of the stage that they only let the photographers stay for two songs. I guess they needed all the extra room to catch the fat shirtless dudes who crowd surf.

Motion City Soundtrack
Derek: Another one of the better acts of the day, especially considering the energy they brought despite having most of the crowd abandon the lower bowl in favor of watching Alexisonfire on the Vagrant stage. The 80's-inspired pop stylings seemed a little out-of-place on a tour with equal amounts of studded leather jacket wearing crusty punks and eyeliner wearing scenester kids, but the devoted crowd pogoed happily as MCS tore through their shiniest, happiest songs from I Am The Movie and Commit This To Memory. Another one of those spine-tingling moments occurred while watching the band play the opening salvo to 'LGFUAD' (or 'Let's Get Fucked Up and Die') while the sun was setting behind them. Or, possibly, I'm just a pussy. Either way, lead singer Justin Pierre definitely had the 'fucked up' part covered. At one point, he launched into a rambling monologue about how 'nutrients are good'. Apparently the futility of bestowing health advice on a bunch of dehydrated, starving, dirty punk fans who had probably already blown any money they may have had on merchandise was lost on Mr. Pierre. Perhaps his advice would have been better directed at walking corpse Joan Jett.

With the day over, we all shuffled aimlessly through a sea of garbage to our cars and the bullshit traffic jam that awaited. With a last, fleeting look at the tasty, tasty jailbait, the Warped Tour disappeared from our lives for another year. But, rest assured, we'll see you and your little sister next July.

CDs for august

Angles and Airwaves - We Don’t Need to Whisper
Suretone

We are just trying to make the world a better place one song at a time. This is what I heard Tom DeLonge said about his new band Angels and Airwaves. Talking shit like that it is no wonder that every body, including his old band mates, thinks this guy is a gigantic pretentious dick. We don’t need to whisper is evolved past what Blink 182 ever could have become but I guess everyone knew this guy was boarding the weird train when he slowly tried to become Robert Smith during the demise of Blink 182. I guess Tom just got sick of seeing 16 year old girl parts and living one long constant fart joke. He gave that life up and is mature now with one of the most ambitious bands I have heard in the last while. I don’t say ambitious as a good thing because they are just trying to hard and I don’t think his voice suit’s the soundscape and synth mellow thing.

The Futureheads - News and Tributes
679 Recordings

The Futureheads can bring people back to life from the dead just so the corpses can dance to their music. News and Tributes is full of all the toe tapping goodness of their previous self titled album but with a bigger glossier sound. At first I found the more complex song writing a bit of a deterrent but then welcomed the change as the band is evolving into something bigger than their past self. Perfect timing too because we all totally hate angular dance rock now. That shit is tired. I am sick of shitting my mind for that old music. For fucksakes it has been almost two years.

Bronwen - Silent Victim
Fat Chance Records

How the fuck am I supposed to review a CD by a recording artist that lives a stones throw away from me. This is the stuff you hear on Commercial drive where no-one wants to tell the girl she is a shitty singer because they are scared that would make them someone who was holding back a budding female artist, and thus they would become an evil woman hater. Which is the biggest fear on Commercial drive but since I am way over here in downtown I can do it. Bronwen you need to change the way you sing. There is some weird noise that you finish every line with that makes to want me kill myself. Oh and this can double for everyone else stop miking your fucking ovation acoustic guitars you all sound like pretentious douches.

AFI - December Underground
Interscope

It seems that the fire inside of Davy Havok gets a little more snuffed out ever album that is produced by he and his cohorts. AFI Has been on a slippery slope to softness ever since 2000’s The Art of Drowning. December Underground sees the steps the band took with their last album sing the sorrow (2003) evolved even more. It seems the band is producing their sound more and becoming a more technical with their instrumentation. Some how even though the album sounds softer than the last efforts there is more screaming on the these tracks. This album is just as good as anything else AFI put out it is just a little less punky and more arty but that is all up to tastes. AFI needs to let go of their old selves and fully finish evolving into something new and not try to recapture what they had 8 years ago. Davy Havok is one of those guys who is just starting his decline into madness and I predict he will re-lease a bunch of un-inspired mediocre music for the next 6 years and then blow all of our minds with some crazy shit we never thought was possible. If only there was some sort of time machine so we didn‘t have to put up with his crappy rupal antics untill his opus is created.