NHL 07 review

When October rolls around it is accompanied by a few things, a drop in temperature signaling the end of summer and (except for that one glorious year) the return of fucking hockey. If your like me your not a particular fan of the sport and find that it is pretty much inescapable. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I hate it any more than any other sport it’s just you can walk more than ten feet without hearing some douche talk about baseball or basketball. Hockey on the other hand seems to be enjoyed by pretty much everyone and most startling is that it isn’t just for assholes anymore.

With that out I will admit there is one aspect of hockey I can handle... the video game. In my opinion there is only one real hockey video game and it has the newly released 14th installment freshly on shelves. Electronic Arts’ NHL series is pretty much the only hockey game you should worry yourself with. Since the Sega Genesis this series has weathered countless contenders and is still the best. Sure some of the others were alright and even fun at times but I doubt any title will ever get as much immediate attention as this line.

EA is constantly fine-tuning your hockey experience by adding new features and changing some of the old ones. The new game has everything you have grown to love over the years including The Creation zone where you make players and teams, Dynasty mode and every other little do-dad that would take that fast talking guy from the micro machines commercial a year to list.

The two biggest changes are the addition of minor league teams and a fresh button layout. I don’t really know anyone personally who is a big enough hockey junkie who would need to play as some buttfuck team from the middle of the prairies but I know they are out there. Since I have absolutely no idea what I am talking about when it comes to minor league hockey just know there are a shit load of teams in there.

Oddly enough the button layout has been drastically changed. Wrist shot and Slap shot are now two different buttons and are attributed to the triggers. This sounds crazy i know and does take a while to get used to. The craziest change though is the fact that the skill stick is no more. One of the biggest additions to last year’s title has been replaced with a passing stick. Now when you are in possession of the puck you just move the right analog stick in the direction of the player you want to pass too. This is awesome especially if you are like me and used to end up fucking up all those delicious one timers this is an awesome addition. My friend Aaron said it makes the controls more “organic” but that sounds like something a giant nerd who goes to E3 would say to girl he wanted to impress by sounding smart. With the absence of the need for shooting and passing the buttons have been attributed to different types of dekeing. It’s not organic it’s bitchin and now all you motherfuckers will swallow my dekes as I cut you down.

As always the rosters are almost frighteningly current were updated until mere months before the release. This means that you can play as your ever loved Canucks, who are weirdly good beyond their true performance, with out having to deal with that useless tit Bertuzzi. With the attempted murderer shipped off to wherever the fuck he ended up maybe those bums can finally win a cup. One shitty thing about the rosters in this game is the 44 million dollar salary cap. It’s good for that true to life feel the game aims for but now you cannot make a custom team made up of 25 troglodytes that fight everything because they cost too much. In fact it is pretty hard to make a team that ranks above 87 which is what all the teams pretty much rank. This year they are all pretty close in rank and don’t range more than 10 points apart. Apparently the makers did not want to hurt a cities feelings by giving their shitty team a shitty rating.

have a new dating column in the capilano courier

I am going to share two pieces of wisdom with all of you that have helped me ease that dull numbing buzz that is in the back of your head during that draft beer hangover or when you think about the maturity level of your friends and if you would be better living in your room with robots. You get this buzz from unhappiness and you must fight it.

The first piece of advice is this: every chance you get, drink an exquisitely cold beer during an afternoon shower. Yeah it probably seems like something that pud Nicholoas Cage would do in that shitty movie where he drank himself to death. Dont worry though no-one is calling anyone an alcoholic here... just someone willing to take a special moment for them selves every now and then. Yes it might be a frat boy moment but hey so is most of the college sex you will have in these hallowed hallsI highly doubt any of you are going to stop that.

The second piece of advice can be related to all aspects of your day-to-day living. Live for today. Everyone has heard this little gem in many varying degrees but the interpretation is pretty much the same. Sometimes you have to just live your day and not worry about the future... yada yada no regrets and all that.

This is also a good way think about your sexual exploits. No this does not mean that you should not take proper precautions while your gettin with the horny, I do not condone un protected sex with strangers. As pleasurable as it might be this is one area where you should think of your future. No instead what I mean is humping those near and dear to you, your coworkers.

I know a thousand red lights and sirens just went off in every one of you heads out there but that is because you have been lied to. In the past someone gave you advice that would have been along the lines of dont fuck your co workers shit gets weird. The only reason they told you this was because they did not adhere to my mantra live for today. I am going to take this chance to say sorry to whoever told you that because there are many benefits to bonin on the sexies you surround yourself with.

So what if work gets a little uncomfortable next week because you and your shift supervisor whammed each other on the receptionist desk. Your going to tell me it wasnt awkward when you just made innuendos and stared at each others asses all day. Everyone else knew you wanted to do it with each other so why let them down. You owe it the other co-workers. That is one of the many reasons why you need to screw what about little Tommy and his dream he needs someone to look up to. Make him look up to you by regaling him with the story of you nailing your hot coworker on the same desk he works at everyday.

Regardless of what the others think of you it is up to you to make work better. Think about how your performance doing all those menial everyday tasks will improve. If youre trying to impress that special someone with your mastery of your skills you will worker harder and faster. Once they think you are the super worker who is truly worthy of their sex you will also work harder and faster to allow for hump windows. You need to clear at least fifteen minutes up so you two can sneak into the broom closet and rub your genitals on each other.

All that diligence will get noticed by your superiors and they will reward you. You will get good recommendations and wage increases. Yes I will put in plain English Fuck the people you work with and you will get more money. Yay happiness through sex.

Every one who couldn’t get into the sold out show wanted it. Every fan at the Croatian Culture Centre needed it. I was there and I was giddy for the old fashioned power metal kick in the puckered asshole I was about to recieve. Dragon Force played on Sept 12 to the biggest crowd that I have ever seen crammed into the CCC. If over a 1000 good people of Vancouver are willing to all cram in to that box you know something good is happening.
The whole scene is pretty hard to explain. It was so good I am finding it hard to put it into proper English that isn’t just expletives for 3 days. I can easily say this though, Dragon Force with Horse the Band and All that remains at the CCC on September 12th is the best show I have been to EVER. That’s right I said it: EVER you motherfuckers.
You know when you hear old people talk about pivotal shows they had been to and everyone knows exactly the shows they are talking about, like they all have old guy esp or some weird fogey hive mind. Scary shit! Like they say “oh man I saw the stones in new york at some shit club on this random date.“ and then all these other people say “Holy shit you were at that show… Amazing.” Up untill now this never made sense to me because I always thought a show was a show, some are good most are bad and the odd one is great but over all they fade with the relentless barrage of age. I have seen the truth now though, Dragon Force has shown me the way.
People can no longer make fun of Dragon force for being drunk geeks who sing about dragons and fantasy while playing a style that was all but dead about ten years ago. No one will even mock the keytar or the fact that there is a keyboard solo over six minutes long. Herman Lee’s knee length hair is safe from redicule forever. The reason that this band is now untouchable is because they took a freight train of rock and roll, packed it to the tits with TNT and guitar solo’s, loaded in some double bass kick, ninja kicks, manly posses and then they drove that fucking train right into the goddman face of every person at the show.
There were two moshpits, I sweated right through my clothes just standing, I SAW TITS holy goddamn fuck dragon force thank you. Thank you.