Dear whoever invented the internet,

Thank you for filling my life with everything I already see in vast quantities. Although you are enabling people to contact each other in distant lands they are wasting your gracious gift by trying to be funny or acting like a slut.

A lot of the time people will show their friends something they think is funny. Be it a super goddamn hilarious voice over to an annoying song or a stupid monologue that sounded oh so funny in their own head. After they were down that friend they were showing would punch them in the nuts and tell them they weren't funny and to shut up and stop blocking the TV. It was a glorious sort of humor Darwin process, through which we either developed good jokes or no friends and a sore dink. Now however thanks to the ultimate enabler some geek 234 kilomotres away finds the shit hilarious and encourages bad humor. Mostly because they are another person who just isn't funny themselves and has swollen testicles. These people eventually find enough friends and start a fucking internet craze. This is where I come in because I see it from some recommendation. It's not funny and my soul is tarnished. I can't even punch them in the crotch because they live seven and a half hours away. Thank you internet.

Now back to the other thing the sluts. Now I am not being a patriarchal dick here I hate annoying male sluts just as much as I hate those thirteen year old girls from Idaho. I used to be a big fan of intersluts--I mean hey free cleavage and if your lucky some hot nipple action--but just like real life eventually you just become uncomfortable and start to agree with the parents of highschool kids about sexuality... It shouldn't exist. In real life people would politely tell someone when they are being a slut and acting ridiculous and that person would either get self respect or turn to hard drugs. Either way not making me feel dirty about ever wanting to have an orgasm. The shitty thing about the sluts is the girls get sick of having alienating sex with jerks and the guys get sick of sounding like a big idiot who only cares about their treasured blingery and being tougher than some one else. On the internet these people are the cool ones. Since they never have to interact on real terms they never go through the self hate thing and rescue their self worth. Instead they sit around telling people the awesome stuff they do and trade pictures of their asses. If I get chub from one more slutty picture that turns out to be a 15 year old with too much spare time on her hand I might stop looking at boobs on the internet all together.

The last thing the internet is good for is ranting. This is good because without writing down your words and having no one read them I would not have a feeling of vindication for haven's my dick punched so much.

Alright fellas Dales here to take care of you and your hot genital on genital rubbings with girls. Just give them some of these hilarious pick lines and they will be butter in your hands. You can tell this just looking at all the super model grade A 'nice type' wrestling i have been getting lately. Sorry ladies I can not help you with your sock search because that would make my lines homosexual. Although I do accept and condone everything gay I am not likely to start smooching the males.

1. "How you gunna ged all dem ass in dem jeans... YOU CAN'T so just put it on my face.
This one will show the ladies that you are hip to current trends by quoting the popular Black Eyed Peas and at the same time that you are willing to go down town and pleasure them. Who doesn't want to be pleasured.

2. This one is a summer hit. The set up is you have to be at a beach on the ocean. Spot a hot girl and run up to her franticly and scream "Quick a jelly fish just stung me... PISS IN MY MOUTH"
This golden pick up line will show a girl that you are a good problem solver and pay attention to home remedies to common ailments. Although she might have an innital draw back to urinating in your mouth she should realize that you were swimming in the deep dark ocean and do not have a fear of water so that you showering and not stinking will not be a problem. Well at least until she pisses all over your face.

3. "Guess who won the have dirty sex with me lottery. That girl over there but when i told her she started crying and ran away. So that leaves you. Now are you going to have shameful guilt inducing sex with me or are you a cry baby."
This one is a good trap of reasoning. No one wants to admit that they are a cry baby. Since you are admitting flat out that the sex will be guilt inducing you are giving her a pre-emptive excuse to not call you the next day when she is racked with remorse. This means that she wont hold back because she is scared of the social akwardness that may happen because you just told her.

4. "Your beauty is the black bar and my ability to register information is the grey bar. We need time for more buffering cause your so hot."
This line is perfect because it shows that you are a complete geek and chicks love that shit. The geekier the better. Just look at emo. So just get yourself some broken glasses, a bad hair cut, an ill fitting collared shirt and your in there buddy. Shitting your pants and reeking of body odor and semen will also help but are not required.

5. "I'm not going to use a pick up line on you because that is what those boneheads who just want to take you to their place and ravage your sweet sweet body with akward sweaty sex while being drunk and clumsy and breathing in your mouth. I don't want to do that to such a beautiful angel like yourself. We'll go your place."
I shouldn't even have to describe this bullet proof pick up line but i will anyway. First off this is witty as shit and you are very descriptive. Like Margaret Atwood descriptive and fuckballs if they girls don't like Margaret Atwood. They will pick up on this and think you are very very smart indeed and well read to boot. The second reason this will work is because you put her on a pedastall and rub yourself in the mud. Have you ever dated a person you know is way below you. Like they are fat or ugly. You know That makes you feel good it strokes your ego and at the same time makes you feel like a humanitarian by helping some one who is down on their luck. She'll get that feeling and she will like it. Another reason why the beautiful little line will work is because you offer her home field advantage. She gets to be in her comfy bed and be reassured with the security of being in a familiar place.

Allright there are some pick up lines for you to use. I give you full creative license with this. You can even pretend that you thought of them so she thinks your mind is amazing. No No don't thank me too much just send cash.

As some of you may know I went to Dan and Mindy's wedding two weeks ago. Here are some of the pictures... YAY

hey some short cd reviews

She Wants revenge (st)
Flawless/Geffen

I was pretty excited when I discovered she wants revenge. I had heard them on internet radio and immediately fell in love. The band sounds like new Buck 65 but more easily accessible. Mostly for the sound of the singer's voice becaus instead of going beatnik slam like our friend Buck, She Wants Revenge went somewhere resembling the sad tone of Joy Division. The music in the background sounds like what I can only relate to as Fischer Spooner with guitars.

The only down side of She Wants Revenge is just like its influences (Depeche Mode, Bauhaus and Joy Division) it has a darker side that I can't decide if I want to admit I like. On one hand the haunting vocals and deeper sound make me want to wear black pinstripes suits and have lots of crimson red accessories. Then I paid attention to the lyrics and instead I wanted to do some hot S&M sex. Track five, monologue states: "If your afraid to try just give me the safe word and take your hand and smack me in the mouth."

Well maybe I can shake off one song but then when I watch the video for Tear You Apart on Much Music I can't deny that I want to whisper in my favourite girl's ear "I want to fucking tear you apart." You know like love her lots and lots.

Yay creepy sex.


The Robocop Kraus/ They Think They Want To Be Robocop Kraus
Epitaph

So Epitaph finally gave in and signed a dance rock band. You can't blame a business for wanting to stay current. The Robocop Kraus was the perfect choice because unlike the Futureheads these guys only sound a bit like The Gang of Four instead of a lot.
This band instead seemed to look to Devo for some weird riffage. They have definitely been able to reproduce that sound that makes you laugh and say to your self. "This is some weird shit… No wait don't turn it off just yet I am oddly drawn to it."
For some reason I find this disc infectious and when it is started I can't bring myself to turn it off. I feel that if I did I would be committing some minor character crime. Pretending to not enjoy this CD is like lying to yourself. Although you don't need to tell others you found this weird new band you might find yourself listening to it when no one is home. It is like a scene from an early 90's movie where they have that god awful music montage that makes you think "boy I really could do some math problems to these guys."


Orange Orange / (st)
No Label

Hey these guys are from New Westminster. It has their phone number on the CD. I might just get up and call them right now. I think the conversation would go a little like this. By the way this didn't actually happen it is all hypothetical.
Dale "Hey Orange Orange I am really glad that throw back rock has finally graduated past the ironic depressed pop of the 80's. I mean the Cure was great and all but I really don't think I want to kiss dudes anytime soon."
Orange Orange "Oh yeah we thought that maybe a mix of Fugazi with some thick clean bass would be good for everyone."
Dale "But guys I can't dance to this. I can't really show my moves off to the ladies and impress my friends."
Orange Orange "But Dale there is still enough melody in there that you can listen to this disk late at night. We thought we would mix the perfect amount of noise and harshness with the harmony choruses and long instrumental breaks so that you could get a taste of something refreshing but not so out there that you would have to feel like a social outcast to appreciate."
Dale "Well gee Orange Orange that's really nice and considerate of you and hey this is not pretentious at all are you sure you're a Vancouver band."
Orange Orange "Oh no we live in New Westminster."
Dale "Right haha. Hey why is there only 4 songs on here I could listen to you guys for days and days this is so beautiful."
Orange Orange "Why thank you Dale you are quite attractive."
Dale "Oh Orange Orange I already told you I don't kiss dudes."


Intelligence / Icky Baby
In The Red Redords

This CD single handily got me over my hatred for Lo-Fi music. Before I just thought it was middle class kids trying to appear to be poor. You know that whole chic thing were your parents actually gave you lots of shit but you act moody and wear thrift store clothes so you can pretend to be a skid. Fuck you dad. Actually I guess all you kids in Vancouver have no idea what I am talking about at all. Yeah I am lying hey all you assholes leave the thrift stores for us poor people.

Icky Baby made me realize that Lo-Fi can be an artistic choice to add some sort of contrived grit and desperation to music. I just realized how all those people felt when distorted guitars were first used and condoned the act as sacrilege. Then five years later realized how stupid they were to reject change and evolution in music.
This CD passed the angry-roomate-in-the-middle-of-the-night-walking-into-the-living-room-naked-and-asking- "What the fuck are you listening to that is crazy loud." Ha Ha I saw your junk.


Danko Jones / Sleep is the enemy
Aquarius

I saw Danko Jones play live and he moved his head so fast it was a blur. I'm not just fucking with you it was an actual blur. It's that kind of energy that has kept me a huge Danko fan through is first five releases. (that spoken word shit doesn't count)

The new album is not as hard and fast as We Sweat Blood. Instead it seems that he has returned to grab some of the soul sound off of Born A Lion to give us some decent mid paced tunes. I would even venture so far as to say that this is Danko's Most intelligent album yet. Don't get me wrong it still makes you want to drink cheap beer and rock out with your shirt off inevitably spilling beer all over yourself. Then when some wiener busts up your party and says "Hey isn't Danko Jones opening up for Nickel Back on their tour right now."
To which you reply "Are you listening to this shit. You love Danko! YOU LOVE DANKO! Besides those fans of Nickel Back they don't really like music they just listen to shit that's in front of them. When they see Danko's Head move so fast it's a fucking blur they'll shit there mind and realize what good tunes are. Danko is doing them a service. You can't bring the kids to the mountain then bring the fucking Danko to the kids." As you saying this your probably frothing at the mouth and covered in beer and the wiener just thinks your insane. You don't care though your listening to cock rock covered in beer, and that my friend is a treasure all its own.


Hell is for heroes / Transmit Disrupt
Burning Heart Records

Burning Heart Records is Epitaph's Swedish branch so it is no surprise that the singer from Hell is For Heroes sounds like that dude from international noise conspiracy. Don't worry though these guys are not as envelope pushing as that band. Nope these guys ride the regular train pretty closely. So you shant worry yourself with not getting the music. Well there is that tiny bit of synthesizer in there but that is ok other than that it sounds like straight ahead American music. That stuff that all sounds the same but we keep fighting over what genre it is. We know there is some emo in there and some rock but naming this shit is getting ridiculous. So instead it sounds like a mix of all those bands out there you won't remember next year. I mean it's good and I enjoy listening to it but come-on there's nothing dynamic in there.