Sex column: Threesomes

Last night a friend and I were chiding each other over the phone with 'your momma' jokes. When she actually managed to dig out one I had never heard before: "Your momma is such a hoe that she thinks DP is foreplay!" For the next five minutes my phone as well as my whole house was filled with my shrill laughter. More importantly though, this joke got me thinking about the subject of threesomes.

Although the act of two penises at once might seem like a big 'to do' on the internet and in the movies when a young and handsome Stephen Baldwin is taking the reigns I do not agree with it. Besides a dink in the back and one in the front respectively I also disagree with two females and one male threesomes—don't worry my reasoning is sound I am not crazy.

I know, I know that you guys are thinking because your straight and you like when a girl actually takes her clothes off for you that it would be even better if their were two girls getting jiggy witz yo knob. Well guess what twice as much vagina translates into twice as much work, twice as much performance pressure and in turn twice as much awkward post sex friendships. You think it is hard coming to terms with getting drunk and having sex with your friend try getting drunk and having sex with two of your friends. Trust me they are talking about your dink and rating your performance because they were both there.

I'm not really that selfish of a guy. I am pretty easy to please when it comes to sex so I don't see why someone would need to have two girls do them. I am on the train of thought that when I convince a girl to get naked and let me plug her hole for a while, I am blessed. I am doing that thing that all those 80's titty movies declared the end all be all of good times. I'm fucking, and fucking kicks the shit out of just about anything else. (don't believe me? Well then your doing it wrong.) Why would I want to fuck something like this up and throw in another girl? Hell its hard enough convincing one girl to let me stick my dink in her holy poly, and I'm lazy, which means I don't like to have to work twice as hard for my sex.

Well I could see one situation why I would want a threesome. If I was trapped in a relationship with a girl I was not attracted to I would want to have sex with someone else ala having her there while we are having sex. Yes a threesome is sort of a loop hole for cheating. More importantly, though if you are in this situation, grow some testicles and break up with your girl friend and just date someone you want to have sex with.

I digress lets get back to the subject of a double stick. I am going to tell the guys out there two little tidbits that will destroy any ambition of the ill fated double skewer. One imagine your furry little balls gently grazing some other dudes furry balls with that light amount of pressure that tickles and makes your skin itchy. Imagine your balls getting itchy from rubbing on another dude's balls. Reason number two is the fact that you can feel the others guys cock on the inside. The membrane that separates the vagina and the anus is thin and soft. Your knobs will knock each other as you thrust.

I understand that there are some males out there who would be into this. If you like the thought of your dink touching another one do yourself a favor and get rid of the girl in between your rigid manhoods and just rub your cock all over his directly have a full contact sword fight. Make out and then poke each other's asses because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay which in turn make it ok to have gay bum sex.

Okami
Developer-Clover Studios
Publisher-Capcom, USA, Inc

Okami’s title comes from the Japanese word for wolf because after all that is the main character in the story. Amaterasu, you, is the incarnation of the sun god. You must defeat a demon called Orochi who is an 8 headed dick monster who has plunged the land into eternal darkness.

This game is made by the same people who brought you Viewtiful Joe so you know it is going to be a little extraordinary. Going through the game you must restore nature, defeat enemies and solve puzzles using an innovating ‘paint’ system. There are thirteen Brush techniques you must learn through out the game including restoring broken equipment, Blooming trees and even a powerful slash attack. Don’t be set off though the game has a low learning curve and even though from the untrained eye it looks chaotic it is actually quite simple to play.

Not only are the game controls very good but it is visually amazing. The game is made to look like it is watercolors on parchment. The people in the game look a bit shoddy but the scenery more than makes up for it.

Aparently even games have caught on that if you take something Japanese add equal bits quirkiness and mythology you have some good fucking times.

Sega Genesis Collection
Sega of America Inc.

It seems there is an unending supply of emulator releases of the classic video games. The re-releases always seem to have under ten games with only one or two good games and then a bunch of crap you got bored of even as a child. Apparently some one at Sega though this too and decided to go tits out and release 28 wicked genesis games with 5 further unlockable games on one CD for your PS2.

This is probably the only reason why I would buy a backward compatible PS3 over a 360 just to play this one title. Yes it might sound like I am being pretty extreme here but check out some of the games included: Altered Beast, Columns, Comix Zone, 3 Ecco the dolphin titles, Golden Axe 1 to 3, Kid Chameleon, some Phantasy Star games, Shinobi and Vectorman. This is literally your one stop destination for all the best genesis games. There’s also a bunch of interviews and crap that you can unlock. I never got why they would put the developers giving interviews as unlockable content. It’s not like were geeks or anything?

The game on this disc that I am most excited about is Kid Chameleon. Yes the others are almost just as worthy of you messing your pants but nothing my friend is quite like Kid Chameleon. It is easily the best genesis game ever released and is still rivaling games of today for sheer playability.
It is a platform game where kids are getting sucked into a futuristic arcade machine. You’re the baddass kid (leather jacket and sunglasses obviously mean your cool) that must come to the rescue and defeat the game to release all the kids. Throughout the game you find masks that each hold their own special powers including an axe throwing Jason character, A skull shooting tank and even a sweet mother of a hoverboard. We were promised our hover boards and we never got them the least we can do is indulge ourselves by using them in a video game.

I must admit though I am a little torn about this re-lease. Just when I was mid man hood all my past demons come back to haunt me. The nostalgia of wasting my life away with these games while my mother used to bitch at me about going and playing outside is priceless because after all I did waste a lot of time with these titles already. But hey comeon who can really stay away from crack anyway.

Damien Rice- 9
Warner Bros.

9 is the sophomore follow up to Damien Rice’s 2003 album O. The first single from the album is also the first track on the album, 9 Crimes. For this song the Irish Rice once again enlists the help of a hush voiced Lisa Hannigan who also lent her voice on his album 4 years ago. The epheral voice mixed with cello and Rice’s own emotional backing make the track is the perfect way to start the album. Of course the album is good. You can tell because it sounds like about five other singers that have already been proven to be successful. Apparently Rice is compared to David Gray a lot and you can hear why. Oddly enough the sound alike is most prevalent on the track Grey Room, of which the title I would like to believe is just a coincidence. The rest of disc is populated with tunes that are very slow-alternative-moody-humble-folk. This music is perfect to paint pictures of naked babies petting little deerlits eating viciously vibrant apples in the clouds. Or if you not that artistic you could have a bath with those floating candles and moisturize your hands and feet and complain to yourself how the winter is wracking your body. My choice would be to just sit in a dark room and cry about how you’re not in love.