Dear old lady beside me

Quit eating hard fucking candies with your mouth open and bouncing them off your teeth.
Quit muttering to yourself while your clicketing your shit computer
Quit reading aloud
Quit sucking air between your teeth
Quit flipping hundreds of newspaper pages
Quit talking into the phone like your standing in traffic
Quit yelling at people across the office
Quit forcing loud laughter
Quit giving consolidating mmm hmmm's to everyone we've all worked very hard at being unsympathetic and cynical to each other's problems we don't need you fucking this up for us now

names changed to save butthurtness

[10:40] dale: cause if i don't have kids
[10:40] dale: how will i ever get my own ninja
[10:45] dale: but honestly kids are like marriage i don't really want it or unwant it i just expect it at a point
[10:51] Girl: HAHHAH
[10:55] Girl: i want both
[10:57] dale: yeah
[10:57] dale: and you should have both its the natural cycle
[10:58] Girl: pffft not according to *BOY*
[10:58] dale: hahaha
[10:58] dale: well
[10:58] Girl: he is stuck in being 17 forever
[10:58] dale: he's not normal
[10:58] dale: hahaha he has peter pan syndrome
[10:58] Girl: hhahahha
[10:58] dale: actually i don't know him well enough to say that but that is usually why people don't wan to get married
[10:59] Girl: yah like hello we've been together for *ALOT OF* years
[10:59] dale: cause i have peter pan syndrome and i still want to get married and have kids
[10:59] dale: haha yeah
[10:59] dale: well realisticly if you guys are at an impass about it
[10:59] dale: your both just goign to get older and it will get worse
[10:59] dale: so i have a good solution
[10:59] Girl: LOL
[11:00] dale: i'll fed ex you a ziplock of my sperm
[11:00] dale: then you can get pregnant from that
[11:00] dale: then me and you can have a kid
[11:00] dale: and *BOY* can be like uncle role
[11:00] dale: and we can share
[11:00] dale: you teach him about metal
[11:00] dale: and i'll teach him about gay electro music and being a ninja
[11:01] dale: as for the marriage thing find a rich guy
[11:01] dale: then you can support everyone
[11:01] dale: LIFE COACH WIN BY ME

[15:24] melissa: how do you know what i love dammit
[15:24] dale: i don't
[15:24] dale: i'm just super confident and tough
[15:24] melissa: well i think i need to change my undies again
[15:24] dale: haha
[15:24] dale: thats three
[15:24] melissa: lol
[15:26] dale: imma make you do a load of laundry
[15:26] dale: your going to make a whole load of panties messed
[15:28] melissa: yeah, if i continue to chat with you thats exactly whats going to happen
[15:28] dale: hahahahaha
[15:28] dale: glad i could be of service
[15:29] dale: if i can do all this with just typing imagine what i could do screaming in your face
[15:29] melissa: exxcellent
[15:29] melissa: omg i'm so turned on right now
[15:29] melissa: hahahaha
[15:30] dale: hahahahahahahahha
[15:30] dale: i can scream sweet nothings in your ear
[15:31] dale: haha mee too
[15:31] dale: i got such a screaming hard on it gave me heart burn
[15:31] melissa: thats sounds exciting
[15:32] melissa: hahahahahahahaha
[15:32] melissa: AWESOME
[15:33] dale: your so hot i need tums
[15:34] melissa: hahahahahaha
[15:34] melissa: hope i don't burn on the way out
[15:34] melissa: lol
[15:35] dale: it would help me remember your spiceness
[15:36] melissa: oh yeah i'll spice up your life baby
[15:36] melissa: hahahahahahahahaa
[15:37] dale: sweet right now my life is a pile of mash potatoe blandness
[15:38] melissa: i'll turn those mashed potatoes into candied yams
[15:39] dale: there ya go yeeeeaaaaah
[15:39] melissa: yeeeeeah!
[15:40] melissa: do you actually say that?
[15:40] dale: hahaha
[15:40] dale: of course
[15:41] melissa: i think i just found a new best friend.
[15:41] melissa: hahahaha
[15:41] dale: when i'm not being audibly castrated by normies
[15:41] melissa: and wet my panties
[15:41] dale: 4
[15:41] melissa: hahahahaha
[15:41] melissa: dont' lose track!
[15:41] dale: i'll be your best friend but there has to be a possible hook up clause
[15:42] melissa: anything else in the fine print?
[15:43] melissa: meh, i don't bother reading that shit anyway.
[15:43] melissa: where do i sign
[15:45] dale: on my taint