How I became Owen Wilson's eskimo brother
Recently I took a woman home from the bar for the first time. I don't see anything morally wrong with strangers having sex a couple hours after they met, it just usually takes more than one night for me to convince a lady to sample my wares.
I initially said woman because she was ten years older than me. I don't have a problem with legal age difference and at most I would say it is icky. All illegal age difference on the other hand is beyond disgusting and is why a conscientious society can never accept polygamy. For what ever reason it seems like every polygamist sect de-evolves to child wifing.
Enough of that lets get back to the matter at hand.
Enough of that lets get back to the matter at hand.
Like what the fuck business would a 45 year old professional women, who's been married and lived an entire life already, have in coming home with a guy who's favorite shirt has the teenage mutant ninja turtles on it?
Turns out it was sexy business and business got done IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I don't like to discuss explicit sexual details--who the fuck am I kidding I pretty much enjoy discussing carnal acts as much as I like performing them. I am however going to self censor myself solely because I don't want to chase any possible fans of this blog off by talking about the drunkingly awkward activities of that night.
Turns out it was sexy business and business got done IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I don't like to discuss explicit sexual details--who the fuck am I kidding I pretty much enjoy discussing carnal acts as much as I like performing them. I am however going to self censor myself solely because I don't want to chase any possible fans of this blog off by talking about the drunkingly awkward activities of that night.
Actually the reason i'm not going to go into it is because my memory of what happened is a bit spotty and the most important thing happened the next day.
Me and the aforementioned lady from the bar were sitting on the couch talking for at least three forevers. She was name dropping like a mother fucker and I was pretending it was making me hate her because I am a mother fucker, she has a child OVER THE AGE OF 20, and I didn't want to ruin my chances at an afternoon delight. Furthermore if you've lived in Vancouver for more than ten minutes you've already faced a deluge of pretentious twats. The more important thing I want to know is who the hell is impressed by a story of Pitbull being impressed by your off menu order at a restaurant the answer is someone who deserves a mouth punch that's who.
While name dropping she told many various suspicious events from her life. She partied with pitbull of course since he was so impressed by her ability to eat food, she knew Steven Spielberg personally and dated Owen Wilson. My number one concern upon hearing her brag about her totes awesome life was that she dated Owen Wilson.
Of course she would have some serious secret information on one of my favorite Hollywood stars and I couldn't wait to ask her the one thing that has been bugging me pretty much his whole career. So I asked her "what the fuck is up with his nose?" Apparently he had a child hood hockey nose break that was never set at the hospital so it didn't heal properly. The story is so mundane that it is probably true.
After we talked for what seemed like another forever I remembered I had to meet up with a friend I had planned a couple days before. Of course I "just" remembered out of the blue and the whole thing seemed very suspicious but it was 5pm and well past afternoon delight o'clock and I was annoyed to the point of apathy so i asked her to leave. Which she did and another thing she did was promptly ignore my future texts which is fine we had nothing in common anyway. Me and Owen Wilson DID have something in common because WE BOTH HAD SEX WITH THE SAME WOMAN.
I understand the irony of complaining about someone name dropping and then turning around and bragging about being eskimo brothers with Owen Wilson but come on eskimo brothers with Owen Wilson? It's kind of a big deal.
Also it is a pretty big claim to make and really no way for me to prove it. For better or worse I like to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt and if I could just call up famous movie stars and ask who they have and haven't had sex with I'm pretty sure every second of my free time would be swallowed in just that activity.
For now lets just assume it's true because that way i feel more interesting. If it's not true and Owen Wilson wants to contact me to take down this blog post or hang out and high five each other for hours I will be very accommodating.
Of course she would have some serious secret information on one of my favorite Hollywood stars and I couldn't wait to ask her the one thing that has been bugging me pretty much his whole career. So I asked her "what the fuck is up with his nose?" Apparently he had a child hood hockey nose break that was never set at the hospital so it didn't heal properly. The story is so mundane that it is probably true.
After we talked for what seemed like another forever I remembered I had to meet up with a friend I had planned a couple days before. Of course I "just" remembered out of the blue and the whole thing seemed very suspicious but it was 5pm and well past afternoon delight o'clock and I was annoyed to the point of apathy so i asked her to leave. Which she did and another thing she did was promptly ignore my future texts which is fine we had nothing in common anyway. Me and Owen Wilson DID have something in common because WE BOTH HAD SEX WITH THE SAME WOMAN.
I understand the irony of complaining about someone name dropping and then turning around and bragging about being eskimo brothers with Owen Wilson but come on eskimo brothers with Owen Wilson? It's kind of a big deal.
Also it is a pretty big claim to make and really no way for me to prove it. For better or worse I like to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt and if I could just call up famous movie stars and ask who they have and haven't had sex with I'm pretty sure every second of my free time would be swallowed in just that activity.
For now lets just assume it's true because that way i feel more interesting. If it's not true and Owen Wilson wants to contact me to take down this blog post or hang out and high five each other for hours I will be very accommodating.
