The boy who whined wolf

There is a reason we kept our preteen diary entries secret: they’re fucking embarrassing. So as a presumably almost well adjusted adult don’t make similar entries via a public forum.

Social media in it’s current form has been around for nearly a decade. Which is just long enough for us to perfect our communications over said medium. Everyone is letting everyone else know what is going on in every facet of their rarely exciting but for the most part all too regular everyday life. While this is a great way to keep up with friends and family, more than a handful of people have been regaling us with in depth tales on just how shitty and bleak their lives are. Or more correctly how shitty and bleak they want everyone to believe their lives are when actually it’s just mundane and for the most part they are trying to illicit attention and sympathy.

Our computers and smart phones are littered with posts, tweets, updates and, whatever the hell you do with LinkdIn, about feelingsie stuff from people who are totes sad. Here’s the problem we’ve all had minor upsets in life and we’ve all come out the other side relatively unscathed. Some, myself included, have gotten a teensy bit jaded but for the most part all right.

As a friend so ellegantly put it. “Everyone deals with shit. Relationships not working out. Suck it up and suffer silently like the rest of us.” they further went on to add “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t HATE attention. But if I tweet about crying all the time because someone dumped me… Hunt me down and kill me. Please.”

You pointing out how hard a time your having is only proving one thing: you’re not coping with things in a mature manner. Believe me I don’t feel comfortable calling people out on maturity levels either. I’m 35 and still the funniest thing imaginable to me is someone splitting their pants in public. I could teach a university level course on immaturity. Perhaps this is more of an emotional maturity subject matter. Like something you should have matured past in high school or at the latest your early 20’s. Right about the time we got over writing terrible poetry is about the time we should have gotten over compelling strangers with your tales of not really anguish.

For our real anguish we’ve all built up a group of people we trust to support us when we need them. (This is where my Aesop’s Fable title reference comes into play.) What if when you’re really torn up inside about actual tragedy, and all you need for your blubbering face is a friendly shoulder to cry on, your support group ignores your incessant texts and is perennially “busy running around” or “drying their hair” like a girl who says she wants a second date with me but is stricken with the malady of a forever dirty scalp.

Your support group are all sick of getting soaked shirts from your leaking eyes every time one of your week long relationships you jump into head first fall apart or your boss was mean to you at work when you were slacking off or these fucking girls on Plenty Of Fish won’t message me back.

Help will not come when you need it most. No one will take your emotional pain seriously because you’ve whined wolf one to many times and now the wolves are eating all your teary eyed sheep.

so you're friendzoned... now what

In opening I want to say this blog post is intended for male friendzoned victims only. Sorry women I know it hurts to be ignored but I am, as you may know, not actually female and if I had any idea what makes you ladies tick or how you feel about things or anything girl related in general, I probably wouldn’t be on the express shuttle to die aloneville. I can understand you might be loosing your shit because some guy you’re crazy in love with won’t do you I can’t really help you out but i guess if you need a piece of advice from me maybe just go sleep with a different guy to get over it… maybe someone a little heavier who will pay you the attention you deserve while lovemaking. I’m usually at the Morrissey Friday night and I like vodka tonics.

Now lets get back to obsessing about not having sex, because nothing gets you laid more than crying about not getting laid.

So a fair lady has told you she is not interested in putting your mostly perfectly good penis in or about her body. This does not mean she is a terrible person or even that your bent little boner is anything less than magnificent. What it does mean is she is just a girl who doesn’t want to fuck you. You might recognize her, she looks just like all the other girls who don’t want to fuck you.

I know it is a crippling realization that there aren’t actually that many women who want you to see them naked and and even less who want to see you naked. Maybe in a perfect world all the girls want your greasy little dink all over their body but for now lets just deal with this shitty reality and the awkward predicament you’ve landed yourself in.

I have actually been friend-zoned in the past. In my defense it usually only happens like once a year, it’s always drawn out and it never goes smoothly. I can usually piece together why a woman might choose to miss out on a very fulfilling night of just above average love making but i am always lost as to why she want to pursue a friendship with me. I guess dick and fart humor really is a girls best friend… well it must be judging by how many woman are constantly lining up to be my part of the super fun always awesome Dale toilet humor exchange.

The first thing you need to do is let her know exactly how you feel. Write it down or thumb it into that smart phone you keep checking every five minutes to see if there is a notification that has to do with her and not some shitty game you downloaded and played twice. Since your phone is the only thing you’re going to be finger blasting in the near future make sure you jam every stupid emotion you have right now into it.

Write about that moment you knew you liked her. Maybe it was the way she ate a mango and smiled at you with juice dripping down her chin while her eye caught the light just perfectly enough to make it look like her beautiful face actually contained a piece of the sun, or what ever dumb shit you’ve overly romanticized that convinced you the world wouldn’t be right unless she was pumped full of your babies. Point is let her know everything make it as sappy as you can with all those annoying feelings you have for her and then send the message. No actually send it, trust me. She’ll read it and tell you how nice it was, how deeply it moved her, how good it made her feel and it won’t change anything.

That’s right you’re not going to change her mind she still wants no part of your genitals or you doing anything to hers. This part of the process is purely for you. You need to let all your crazy out and not have it bouncing around in your head. You don’t want to be absent minded at work and let your soul eater boss see you pacing around muttering to yourself. You have to stay level headed when you drive, I mean what if you’re not paying attention and you miss the chance to flip another driver the bird just because you head was on planet “if only she knew how much i love it when she draws circles in the grass with her toes while we sit in the park and argue over which baby animal is the cutest”.

Just back the “here’s how i feel about you” dump truck to her door and bury her whole goddamn house. She chose to be your friend and she should have known all your dickhead annoyance comes with that. I’m not saying make her regret her decision to be your friend that will come naturally over time. This is more of a you using your free pass to show exactly who you are situation. So just turn the dial all the way up and be you at 11. Use this friendship to express yourself. Share all your inner thoughts and dreams, you know all the lame shit you can’t tell all your old friends about because they  would make fun of you for.

Most importantly tell her instead of whining about it to anyone else ESPECIALLY on the internet in general. We should have learned as a four year old that just wanting something really really badly doesn’t necessarily mean we get to have it. Complaining about being in the friendzone just looks like a kid having a nice long lay down scream in the toy isle at Walmart.

If you so much as tweet about how bunk it is you got put in the friendzone the entire internet will take turns calling you a pussy. It’s what we do. We get over the exact same pain you’re feeling by making fun of you for going through it. Don’t worry soon enough you will get to lambaste some other poor bastard who can’t figure out how to diddle the girl he likes.

Oh as for the actual advice on being friendzoned: Just keep your head down, don’t stare at her tits too much, don’t laugh too loud at her unfunny girl jokes and don’t agree to everything she wants to do right away anymore. Now that you’ve lost your “i’m trying to fuck you” filter you might actually get to hangout somewhere you want to. You’ll notice it will start hurt a little less everyday when you think about your sexless future alone. After a while you’ll have a good friend and then you can brag about how popular you are. Use it as a pickup line at the bar, who knows maybe girls will be impressed by your maturity and ability to have a female friend and touch your penis in the parking lot but I doubt it.