no you can't have a house now shut the fuck up

We get it you want a house and you can’t afford it. Guess what I want a lot of things i can’t afford. A new Jeep Cherokee with a hellcat engine, a big ass boat… well anysize of boat really but only as long as she’s seaworthy… why is it that when we talk about boats they’re always girls but when you talk about the size of your penis you reference a boat for the metaphor… is my dick a girl? Or is it directly relative to the motion in ocean? Whatever the fuck it means you still don’t get to buy property in Vancouver and that’s a good thing.

Yes Chinese people are buying houses, condos and properties all around Vancouver and yes some of these buildings are remaining empty but the shit is still selling and their money is still coming over here. I’m not sure if you guys realize how big of a shit show the economy in BC was in the 80’s but dat sweet Yuan pouring in from China is the only reason we’re not still living in the shadow of resource rich Alberta.

A recent article in the ‘The Walrus’ titled the highest bidder riled up all the Canadian kids who just really want to buy a house and “like be an adult man” and don’t get them started on how they’re totally sick of having to pay rent dude. The article details some click bait level facts that really show how fucked we’d be if the rich Asians weren’t parking their money here while China financially crumbles. “The business of buying, building, and selling houses in Vancouver is worth more to the province than its mining, natural gas, and forestry industries combined. Last year, detached-house sales throughout the region totalled $38.6 billion, and residential construction added up to $21.6 billion.”

The author Kerry Gold further goes to explain in the too long didn’t read article of over 6,000 words that our own government at all levels actually embarked on trade missions and envoys to secure Asian investment as a fix for our shrinking economy in the 80s. “Vancouver—where, in 1981, house prices had dropped by 40 percent—worked hard to publicize the city’s fine geography and standard of living during Expo 86.” Gold explains the real reason for our cities global pavillion 30 years ago—yeah it wasn’t just to make sweet shirts that hipsters could buy from a thrift store and wear around telling everyone they actually ate at the floating McDonald’s when they were a wee tot… that’s just a sweet sweet ancillary benefit.

Vancouver has become so tight with Asia that Destination Canada (the corporation in charge of marketing Canadian tourism) has offices in Vancouver, China and Japan—they also have an office in the UK but since that isn’t really relevant to my point we’ll just forget i brought it up. If we tell these people they can’t come buy a piece of paradise because we would like to stack the deck in our favor and make rules against foreign ownership because we have young hot professionals who want to buy a house downtown instead of doing the smart thing and living in the suburbs we’ll be doing irreparable harm to our financial stability.

I was digging around on the BC gov tourism data website mostly because I’m a huge stat nerd and i figure if i throw some money numbers at you, you’re going to be more likely to agree with me. In 2014 BC made 14.58 Billion dollars from tourism revenue. The “Vancouver, Coast & Mountains” region employed 79,500 people in that same year. Now i don’t have the exact break down on numbers to tell which foreigners are dumping all this cash into our GDP but i’d be willing to wager a fair chunk of that money is coming from China. It would explain why Destination Canada has one of just four offices in China. According to the City of Vancouver website 17% of Vancouver residents speak Chinese and it’s not a huge leap of faith to come to end up at the conclusion that if there are that many residents we could asume they would be a draw for tourists.

We’re only 60 years clear of the practice of not allowing asians or even their DESCENDANTS to buy houses in Shaughnessy and the British Properties neighbourhoods. I mean we should still be butt hurt those rich white fucks denied the very people who built our cross country railway the ability to fully settle into the country they built. We for sure should not be calling for thinly veiled racist “foreign ownership control” measures. I don’t even know why you bigots are so hot and bothered to be house poor in the first place.

Instead of leaving a swear filled offensive taste in your ear holes i’ll close with a quote from the City of Vancouver website. “Our laws give everyone equal rights and equal access, regardless of origin, religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, ability, or politics. Vancouver is a city for everyone.” so quit being selfish you fucks.

vegetariansim schism

Paul Mc Cartney claims “If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be vegetarian”. Even though old Pauly was easily the best beatle and Wings had far better songs then said Beatles, I have to insist he’s completely wrong here. If slaughterhouses had glass walls we’d all stop being such giant pussies and realize where our delicious meat comes from. Sure once we knew the truth we’d fake outrage maybe even swear off meat temporarily. Then we’d remember what meat tastes like and we’d get over it.

Really though i can only speak for myself here and as a person who’s raised farm animals from birth–fed them, cared for them and watched them grow into beautiful specimens–the one through line I’ve noticed with all these animals is that when I finally get to eat them they are FUCKING DELICIOUS.

Just imagine if you went to the keg and ordered that too-big-which-immediately-ups-your-blood-pressure-by-however-many-points-is-equal-to-hair-growing-on-your-chest-steak and with the meat you got a detailed list of the food that animal ate. If there was a written sworn affidavit accompanying your slab that painstakingly covered had it ever been sick the beef on your plate was looked after by a qualified dedicated professional caregiver who was on hand around the clock to make sure that your meal had stayed happy while on the farm, that meat would melt in your mouth more savory than anything you have ever eaten before. Growing up a farmer who was on of said caregivers I can assure that it would and does.

I understand that there are people who insist vegetarians can lead fulfilling lives and with just a few minor dietary changes the differences are negligible. So in honor of these proud plant chewers i propose we do a 30 year scientific study. We take a city of moderate size in some moderate climate at some moderate location and split it in two. One side vegetarian and one side omnivore. (Pescatarians are stuck on the omnivore side because i’m counting all meat as meat for this study.) We leave these two halves of one city seperate and after thirty years we look at the strapping handsome people with giant buildings and cars that are too fast and we give these beautiful citizens a slow clap. The vegetarian side we look at their shitty one story bungalos and dirt colored everything and we laugh in their grey faces because their stupid arms that are the thickest at the elbow couldn’t build anything.

I know, I know, all you non-meat eaters have some example of a particular person who with only 6 hours of food preparation everyday is actually pretty muscular and can actually lift heavy things just like the barbarians in the better half of our hilarious hypothetical city. Well my retort is with an accumulated loss of daylight of 5 hours per day (meat eaters i’m guessing would need about an hour a day to make those beautiful delicious steaks) they are already living a terrible life and don’t deserve to have me pile on. Doesn’t mean I won’t though because i’ve gotta fill up those extra 5 hours some way. Writing hilariously unscientific and ill informed column/blog posts about their shitty lifestyle choices is my favorite way to pile on. The remainder of the 5 hours i’ve been completely wasting all my life and it’s been glorious. Sure i’ve been told watching TV and movies is a dumb way to spend too much of my free time on but why then do all these blowhards get in a fever pitch of snobby excitement every time the golden globes or oscars are on?

I also had lethargic vegetarians tell me that consuming animal products is unnatural and our bodies aren’t built for it. Spouting their bullet proof logic with quotes like “We’re the only animal to drink the milk of another species”. We’re also the only animal that wears clothes, drives cars and lights off fireworks. What kind of a fucking idiot wants to walk around naked without fireworks? Certainly not this idiot and while we’re on it could you throw some pregnant female horsepiss we use to make birth control in the mix? I definitely don’t want to get anyone pregnant while i’m HAVING THE TIME OF MY FUCKING LIFE ENJOYING ALL THE SWEET DOPE AWESOME SHIT ONLY HUMANS GET TO DO. Oh also can we add “fix ourselves” to the “Dale is right” list I don’t really see those pregnant horses setting their own broken legs. It’s why we shoot them when they get a proverbial flat tire, because they’re stupid and they won’t ever not stand on their fucking broken leg and let it heal.

So horses are stupid, maybe a smarter animal will fair better you say? Let’s look at whales they’re smart as fuck. I love whales, I have a whale tattoo right on my fat guy calf but even the most intelligent creature next to man can’t cut itself out of a random net it stupidly swam into. I’ve seen the youtube videos of those seamen being approached by a whale in trouble. The person pulls out a knife cuts the majestic giant free and sends it on it’s way. Yes it’s a beautiful testament to the interspecies kindness we love to see videotaped and yes i do get a little teary when the whale comes back around to give a gesture of thanks some people claim is a handshake

(pilfered from bagofnothing.com)

but as inspiringly majestic as that whale is it’s still stupid for swimming into a shitty fishing net. Can’t they see underwater?

Did i mention humans are also the only animal to get sweet flip out pocket knives? Sorry lions and tigers and bears (equal parts my spirit animals ladies) you’re going to have to do all your killing and eating with JUST YOUR STUPID FACE! Idiot.